Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Rebranding Al Qaeda

Fox News is reporting that Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) is changing its name to "Ansar al Sharia", or "Army of Islamic Law".  This is being done in an effort to move beyond the negative connotations that "Al Qaeda" has gained in the past decade or so.

Here are my ideas that these nutjobs could use to help with their re-branding:

  • Change your outfits. White and tan man dresses are so 2001.  I suggest teaming up with Hugo Boss to get some new duds.  I'm sure they can do wonders for you; just look what they did for Himmler.
  • In order to soften the blow of recruiting suicide bombers, begin calling them "Semtex delivery and implementation specialists".
  • In order to put a more "everyman" face on your religion, 'convince' Garrison Keillor to convert so that he can give long, soporific monologues about all the old Norwegian ladies down at the mosque.
  • Stop using middle-eastern music as the soundtrack to the videos. That stuff makes me want to stick my head into a grinder.  Seriously, if you're trying to appeal to a younger, hipper audience, go with someone like "Insane Clown Posse".
  • Come to think of it "Insane Clown Posse" might be a better new name than "Ansar al Sharia".  Look into options for buying the rights.
  • One word:  Piercings.  No-one's going to question your dedication if you have a hole in your nose big enough to pass a .50 BMG round through.
  • Nothing better than following a popular trend:  Start inserting references to bacon, zombies, and vampires into your tape-recorded harangues.
I'm sure that these and other actions could go a long way towards changing perceptions of AQAP from  12th century assbags into 21st century assbags.

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