Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Now is the time to prepare and panic

NASA's wayward satellite is projected to rain fiery death upon the children of Earth this week.  Or not.  Depends.
Overwhelming odds are that this will drop into a big wet blue thing or hit some unused dirt out in the back of someone's beyond.  Of course, it would be entertaining if a big chunk of it landed in Central Park or on the lawn of the White House. 

Here are some tips for the impending rain of space debris:
  • Stay off of the Pacific and Atlantic oceans.  Everyone is saying that's where it will probably land.
  • Lightning sometimes strikes twice.  If you're in Western Australia, look out.
  • Make yourself a good protective garment for your head and stand upright to minimize your exposure and protect that which is exposed. Your headgear should be composed of:
Layer 1 - Tin foil - Self Explanatory
Layer 2 - Ball Cap - Comfort and shade for the eyes
Layer 3 - Kevlar - Self explanatory
Layer 4 - Black Duct Tape or a light fighter Cabbage Patch Hat - Break up your outline
  • No matter how good a center fielder you were, do not attempt to catch bits of satellite as they fall.  Wait for the first bounce.
  • Same goes for you soccer players.  No headers, unless you've done a really good job with your headgear.
  • You will however gain unheard amounts of street cred of you're successful in shooting down satellite pieces as they fall with your skeet gun and get it on film.
  • Satellite pieces may be dangerous, so let them cool completely before gathering them up and reselling them to the local scrap yard.
  • If any of the pieces glow, use them to make designer jewelry.  ThinkGeek would jump on that in a New York minute.
  • If after handling pieces of the satellite you are detained by the government, assume that it's an Andromeda Strain kind of situation and you are doomed.
So there you are!  Good luck, and I'll see you all at the Lord Humongus costume party after all the excitement.

1 comment:

Old NFO said...

LOL- Don't know what you're drinking, but I want some!

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