Sunday, September 18, 2011

DaddyBear the MiniVandian

Now let me tell you of the times of high adventure......

DaddyBear of the MiniVandians stopped his semi-reliable steed. Patting the steering wheel, he thought of his quest: Retrieve the supplies listed by his lady love, find something extra for a tasty mid-day meal, take along his son and heir to his kingdom, and return home before the beginning of the gladiatorial match between the Bearmen of the City of Winds and the Holy Ones from the City of the Crescent.

Taking a deep breath, he dismounted his dented steed, and went to the back to retrieve The Young Prince from his Chair of Protection. Holding tight to his hand, he led the Last Scion of his wife's clan to the doors of the market. In order to not bring the ire and attention of either of the two local tribes, neither he nor Boo wore crimson or azure, but he made sure to talk quietly to Boo about the inter-tribal competition of the previous day. He did not want the natives to suspect that he was a stranger in a strange land.

Retrieving one of the silvery conveyances at the entrance, he placed Boo in its seat so that the young boy could have as good a view as he did and would be unable to run away to be raised by gypsies in the Aisle of Canned Food. First to come was the Place of Produce, where he was to acquire fruit for lunches. Apples, green and tart with the smell of autumn, were the first to be chosen and placed in his cart. Next came a rare find of late season pears, with all the sweetness of the summer sun. His last challenge in this place was the banana, favorite fruit of the children and base ingredient for his magical spiced bread. This prize was not to be gained without a trial, of course. A wizened crone, wearing the blue robes of the largest local tribe, was slowly working her way through a task of touching each and every banana, both those of the yellow sort and those of the green.

DaddyBear stood still, waiting for the toucher of the fruit to finish her ritual and move on. As he waited, he made sure not to look at her nor do anything to draw her attention. A conversation with the matron of the fruit market could stretch his quest into what would seem like years, and he would lose all hope of getting back to his abode before kickoff.

Eventually, the crone moved on to the papayas. DaddyBear was able to claim his prize of bananas, which were neither too yellow nor too green, and had none of the brown-black spots that would cause his love to keen in a high voice upon his arrival home.

Then did DaddyBear and Boo brave the Aisle of Bread, where women with large crowds of apes hanging both from them and from their carts clogged the way. Stealthily making his way between the clots of badly behaving demon-children, he retrieved a loaf of both bread that is dark and that which is light.

Next came the Aisle of Salted Meat and Cheese, which was mostly deserted. DaddyBear wished he had brought with him Othuring, his magical club of clueage, as his instincts told him that silence here meant ambush. Retrieving the blessed meat of the sows belly, he then moved on to gather the mystical sausages and sliced meats of Oscar Meyer, peace be upon him. As he started building up speed to head to the Aisle of the Chicken and the Cow, he was able to get the sticks of cheese which bring such joy to BooBoo. Upon seeing their entry into the pile of goods in the cart, Boo began to ask for them, but was satisfied with a promise of riches and cheese upon completion of the shopping expedition. Eggs and milk, which had to be low in the fat of the cow so that his lady fair could drink of it, were placed safely in the cart while DaddyBear scanned the shelves for danger.

Next came what he knew would be most dangerous part of his quest: the Aisle of Beauty. His Lady Love, the Woman of Eire, had bidden him to find for her the magical elixir that rendered her ginger tresses soft and fragrant. Knowing that this would be daunting to a barbarian such as her husband, she had written down in small words the exact wizard that made the potion and which herbs were in the particular potion that she preferred She had written the runes to be found on the label in large letters so that he would be more likely to select the correct bottles.

DaddyBear took a deep breath and entered the aisle, which began with the Gates of Madness. This is where Protection of the Feminine could be found. Glancing down at his list, he was reassured that he did not need to select one of the softly colored boxes from its shelves. Further down the aisle, the elixirs of hair began to form their ranks. Staring blankly at his instructions and then the shelves, he began to search through the myriad flasks to find the exact combination of herb and fragrance he had been instructed to find. His heart skipped a beat as he found the first part, the emollient of cleansing. Next he began to scan the shelves for the next part, the emollient of softness. Looking once, twice, and even a third time at each and every bottle produced no luck. He began to feel his heartbeat quicken as he knew that his time to finish the puzzle before he could get home to see the beginning of the games was running shorter with every breath.

Finally, after much bending and peering to see back into the depths of the shelves, he spied the last bottle of the magical potion, tucked back behind bottles of another sort. Heaving a sigh of relief, he began pushing Boo down the aisle towards the place of payment.

At that moment, he felt a tug at his sleeve. Turning towards the new danger, he found a small, gnomish woman smiling at him. She immediately began bombarding him with the particular patois of the locals. Listening closely, he realized that the woman knew his wife, and recognized Boo. She was the mother of one of his comrades at the Center of Finger Painting and Mud Playing. DaddyBear briefly considered taking Gnestor,  his Blade of Sharpness and Stabbiness, and cutting off the sleeve of his jacket in order to release himself from her grasp, but opted to smile and exchange pleasantries with her until she moved on.

Surprisingly, the usual battle to exchange coins for his goods went smoothly. Glancing at his timepiece as he made his way back to the Minivan of Dentage, DaddyBear realized he had time to get Boo a much deserved meal on the way back to his home. A few minutes later, he presented his progeny with the blessed nuggets of yard fowl, fried potatoes in the style of the Snaileaters, and a cup of milk. For himself, he only acquired a flask of the bubbly Elixir of Caffeine. They travelled to the home of his family, where his mate met him at the door with a hug of homecoming. The magical box of entertainment answered to his incantation and showed him the ceremonial beginning of the competition. He had completed his quest in time.

So did DaddyBear retrieve the supplies for his family. Many times did he return to the market, but this day he did so without having to spill blood. And when he grew older, and the crown grew heavy upon his head, he thought back to the days of braving the Aisle of Beauty unarmed, or searching for unblemished fruit in February while being hunted by Scouts of both the Male and Female variety who wanted to sell him something, and it brought a smile to his noble visage.


Old NFO said...

LOL- Good one, much better than my aborted trip today... Damn gift card was "expired" as of Friday...@$&**(@

Christina LMT said...

DaddyBear, you rock!

Wilson said...

Great story! But are we to glean from this that you have no interest in the eternal epic battle, Cats vs. Cards? Indeed, you are a stranger in a strange land…

DaddyBear said...

Thanks Guys.

Wilson, I stay out of the local religion as much as I can. I may be here but I'm no from here. Better to not trip over the taboos.

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