News Roundup

• From the "Opposite Day" Department - The government of Iran has called on the Assad regime in Syria to stop using violence to deal with protesters and political opponents.  Tehran urges Damascus to begin talks with its opposition.  Did I wake up in Bizarro World today?  Has anyone looked behind Ahmadinajad's ear for the point where the tether to his pod ended?  What's next, is China going to start promoting large families with lots of girls?  Is Ireland going to prohibit the production of beer and spirits?  Is Obama going to give a speech about the need for fiscal and personal responsibility and then go out and do some actual work?
•  From the "Good Start" Department - The Obama administration has called on the United Nations Development Program to provide a full accounting of its finances and activities or face a loss of funding.  I'd agree that we need to look at all of our expenditures at the U.N. with an eye to getting rid of all of them.  Of course, the Obama White House calling for accountability and transparency from the U.N. is a definining example of chutzpah.  It's kind of like a pimp telling a brothel owner to open the curtains.
• From the "Good Planning" Department - A school district in South Carolina has moved a school bus stop from the immediate vicinity of a strip club.  While I'm sure that this move will make some of the soccer mom's feel a bit better while taking the kids to the bus, it'll probably be an inconvenience for others who have gotten used to dropping their kids off so close to work.
• From the "Steel Rain" Department - NASA is warning that a sattelite that was launched 20 years ago to study the ozone layer and the climate will probably fall to earth soon.  The area it may rain debris upon appears to include the part of the earth where billions of people live.  Guys, can we make a deal that when you're down to 1% of fuel left in one of these, you use it to make it crash into the Pacific?  These interminable sattelite-crashing-into-civilization events really mess with my commute.
• From the "Queen of the Undead" Department - An elderly man in Florida was attacked recently by a young woman who said she was a vampire.  I feel for this guy.  I had a 22 year old woman try to drain my will to live once too.  You know, I'm beginning to start to think that the ever increasing number of these cases may indicate that they aren't all high or insane.  In order to make sure that she's not actually a vampire, I suggest we tie her out at a busy intersection in the middle of a sunny day and drive a stake through her heart.  
• From the "Change Jar" Department - A police officer in Philadelphia has pled guilty to stealing $2.4 million worth of coins from the mint that were supposed to be discarded due to errors in their minting.  I bet he became a suspect when he paid for his house in Sakajowea dollars.  Why do I have an old Johnny Cash song going through my head when I think of this guy stealing $2.4 million out of the mint in $1 coins over the space of years.