News Roundup

• From the "Run Silent, Run Deep" Department - The Navy has taken delivery of its latest submarine, the California.  No word yet on whether or not the sailors who man her will wear hemp uniforms, smoke something other than Marlboro's when the smoking lamp is lit, or have relaxed grooming and hygiene standards.  In all seriousness, good luck to the California and all who sail on her.
• From the "Pulled a Plaxico" Department - A man in Arizona shot himself in the thigh and his male member when he was carrying his girlfriend's gun in his waistband.  Funniest part of the article: Police don't know if the man suffered any permanent damage.  Guys, I promise if you shoot me in the schwanz, I'll suffer permanent damage, both physical and psychological.  I'd like to meet the man who can shrug that one off.  On the plus side, once he gets out of the hospital, maybe he can become a shill for the Brady Campaign and sign a multi-million dollar contract to play for the Jets.
• From the "You Want Me To What?" Department - The zoo in Pittsburgh is planning on opening a sperm bank for elephants once the shipment of elephant seed from South Africa clears customs.  Something tells me there's a veterinary intern in Africa that really hates his job.  Of course, this reminds me of the old joke "How did Jackie Kennedy break her arm?", but on a much larger scale.
• From the "Attention Kmart Shoppers!" Department - The stock markets took a big hit today, with the Dow Jones index losing 5.6% of its value.  Personally, I'm afraid to look at my 401k for a while.  I may just cash it in and use the money for canned goods and shotguns.  At least they would have some value in a few weeks.
• From the "This Man is a Genius" Department - A man in Australia has been arrested for drunk driving after driving a motorized beer cooler through a town. You know, that may just be one of the few gadgets that I could really buy for myself.  I'll give the man extra points if he was running the engine on ethanol.