Tuesday, August 16, 2011

News Roundup

  • From the "Live Bait" Department - A man in Washington state was arrested after being spotted fishing nude on Sunday.  Having enjoyed fishing for a good part of my life, all I can say is that he took a big chance putting the wrong worm on his hook.  Also, some of those fish he was trying to catch have some pretty sharp spines, and you don't want some of the parts he was exposing to turn red and swell painfully, trust me.
  • From the "Happy Birthday, Sweetheart" Department - A woman in Montreal is complaining because her estranged husband put a 20 ton boulder on her driveway for her birthday.  Apparently this isn't the rock she was looking for.  On the bright side, he remembered her birthday, and he just added something to my bag of tricks for my ex.  Thank you, sir!
  • From the "Be In By Dawn" Department - A teenager in Houston has been arrested after attacking a woman and claiming to be a 500 year old vampire.  Son, I knew Dracula, I worked with Dracula, and you're no Dracula.  Put down the teenage sparkly vampire romance novel, get a real job, and let time suck the life out of you before you decide if you want to do this for five centuries.
  • From the "Willard" Department - New York City residents near Grand Army Plaza Park are reporting an increase in the number and size of rats in the area.  Something tells me that if NYC would relax their onerous gun laws a bit and let some 12 year olds go down there with .22's, this problem would disappear pretty quickly.  Nothing improves marksmanship and reduces rodent populations like two boys trying to show each other up by seeing how many vermin they can turn into carrion on a hot summer evening.
  • From the "Hello My Baby!" Department - A couple riding in a cab in Boston were surprised to find a large bullfrog sharing their cab.  The frog was taken to an animal rescue organization and released into a pond.  No word yet on whether or not the frog was wearing a top hat and singing old show tunes, but that's the image I have in my head, so that's the one we'll go with.
  • From the "I, Robot" Department - The man recognized as the inventor of the industrial robot has passed away.  Out of respect, robots across the globe will observe what is to them an extended period of mourning this week, which will cause a .05 second disruption to western civilization as all of those things we've become accustomed to robots doing come to a stop.
  • From the "Coffee is Manna" Department - Scientists have discovered that putting caffeine on the skin can help to prevent skin cancer.  I've seen caffeinated beer and soap before, so I expect that we will be seeing caffeinated sun screen in the future.  That way you can get a good buzz and good skin all at the same time.

1 comment:

Newbius said...

Houston Teen doesn't read Larry Correia...Shame, that.

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