Thursday, August 25, 2011

Getting ready for the hurricane

Those of you along the Eastern Seaboard should be preparing for the imminent arrival of Hurricane Irene. Since you'll get 500 storm tracks from 500 meteorologists all looking at the same data, you never know what this storm will do or where it will go.  Heck, I live in Kentucky, and Irish Woman and I are talking about what we should do if it makes a radical turn and comes over the Cumberland Gap.

Here are some tips for weathering the storm:*

  1. Leave.  Staying in the path of a hurricane is the definition of idiotic.  Pack your kids and everything you care about, call a relative further inland and get out of Dodge.  Preferably a relative who lives two states towards the center of the continent.  Things you should take include heirlooms, food, clothing, weapons, pets, and liquor.  
  2. Remember the liquor.  Living with your brother-in-law for a few days with all of your and his kids is going to be hard enough without trying to do it sober.  Don't get sloppy drunk and for heaven's sake don't drink tequila.  Just a nice mellow buzz.  Bonus points if you share with said brother-in-law, especially if you break out the good stuff.
  3. If you can't get out, or your brother-in-law is already full up with the rest of the family, then you'll have to sit out the storm.  While this is sub-optimal, it can be done.  Just be ready for Lord of the Flies for the next few days.
  4. Arm your significant other and send him or her to the grocery store now.  They will need to fill up a cart with as much stuff as possible if you don't already have half a year's worth of food, water, liquor, medicine, clothing, books, board games, cat food, cat litter, and dog food.  Kiss them goodbye, as she may not return from this mission.
  5. You're not out the game, though.  Your job is to go the hardware store and get all of the other stuff your family will need to survive.  This includes tarps, visqueen, shingles, nails, nail gun, compressor, sheet upon sheet of plywood, flashlights, batteries, extra keys for the outbuildings that will soon be spotted off of Nova Scotia, tie down straps, bungie cords, 550 cord, sail cloth, gas cans, gasoline, 25000 watt generator, extension cords, and roofing tar.  All of this will be used to weather and water proof your home and survive the storm's aftermath as much as possible, and in the event that you do get washed away, you can lash as much of the debris as possible together and sail to Scotland where the weather is much nicer this time of year.
  6. Take all of the hardware store goodies, and start nailing, screwing, glueing, lashing, and welding them to the outside of your home, especially the windows and doors.  Note:  Have someone other than your family secure plywood to the last door to your home after you have gotten yourself and other members of your family that you care about into the house.  Anyone who gets there late should be advised to hole up in the tree house for the weekend.
  7. Put all of the supplies you bought in the highest room of your home.  That way it'll stay dry when the first floor or so become an indoor swimming pool.  Put an axe up there too so that you can cut your way out of the house once the storm has passed.  Remember, you've cut off all of the windows and doors from the outside for your own protection.
  8. Remember, this storm has already been to the Caribbean, where the zombie menace originated.  Watch your spouse and children for evidence of zombie infection carried by the wind, and respond as necessary.
  9. Once you have your supplies secured and every opening to your home has been boarded over, settle in for a nice quiet weekend of listening to the soft rain and gentle winds of mother nature re-landscaping your yard into a beautiful water garden.  Good movies to watch during this time include Storm of the Century, The Abyss, and of course The Shining.  If you prefer reading, I suggest Misery, Moby Dick, and The Road.
  10. When the storm hits, keep your children up for every minute of it so that they can have the rare life experience of hearing shutters ripped off of the roof or the cap on the chimney embedding itself in the old oak tree in the front yard.  This is an experience that they will relive every time the wind blows for years to come.
  11. Play games with the family to keep spirits up.  I suggest "Beer beer, who's got the beer?", "Where did Mommy hide her 'medicine'?", and "Who can sit quietly while Daddy tries to figure out how to get wet matches to light?".
Hopefully you've found these suggestions helpful.  Good luck, and enjoy your North Sea adventure!

*Of course these are all tongue in cheek and are meant as a joke.  If you are in danger from the storm, I hope that you will be able to take care of you and yours.  Something tells me y'all are smart enough to get out of the way or to hunker down without losing your mind.


Old NFO said...

I'm leaving :-)

DaddyBear said...

Heading for the hills or another continent? ;0)

Gerry N. said...

I've got the ultimate storm loss and injury prevention solution. I live on a low ridge just North of Seattle.
Absolutely no risk whatever of a flood and we seldom get a wind higher than 50 mph. And that would be a single gust and remarked upon on the nightly news when all the pomaded talking heads were screaming "We're all gonna die!" as everyone else is making popcorn and iced coffee.

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