News Roundup

• From the "Schlong Becomes Schlort" Department - A Kentucky man is suing his urologist because the doctor removed his penis when cancer was found during a circumcision.  Every man reading this just crossed his legs.  But imagine coming out of surgery, and having your little soldier gone completely.  No reports yet if the suicide hotline will be called as a witness.
• From the "Going to Hell on a Scholarship" Department - A Florida man is being charged with animal cruelty after running over a group of baby ducks with a lawn mower while laughing.  That's right.  He turned baby ducks into MiracleGro and appeared to be having the time of his life while doing it.  I suggest we bury him up to his neck and see how he likes it.  No word yet on whether or not he will be referred to the urologist from Kentucky.
• From the "Who Let Him Out of His Cage?" Department - Reporters are charging that Chinese officials got physical when they tried to get journalists to leave a venue in which Vice President Biden was speaking. I hate to tell the Chinese this, but taking away his audience isn't going to shut Biden up.  Seriously, he's really just talking to the voices in his head. 
• From the "Officious Prick" Department - A terminally ill woman in Oregon was told to shut down her backyard garage sale when some soulless neighbor called the city to complain.  Someone needs to tell the city managers of Salem the difference between legal and just.  And someone needs to find the neighbor who called in the cancer patient's attempt to raise some money to stay off the public dole and beat them with the passenger door from an 1974 Ford Grenada until they grow some compassion.
• From the "Yeah, That'll Work" Department - President Obama has signed an executive order that calls for the Syrian president to resign, orders the government to cut ties with the Assad regime in Syria, and imposes economic sanctions against Syria.  This follows the glorious example of the sanctions that Jimmy Carter imposed on Iran in 1979, which quickly led to the fall of the Khomeini regime and made Iran a shining example of democracy in the middle east.  And of course we all know how economic sanctions and diplomatic isolation has made North Korea a paragon of liberal deomocracy and an economic powerhouse.  Something tells me the best thing we could do for the protesters in Syria would be to airdrop in pallets of AK-47's, RPG-7's, and boatloads of ammunition, then make popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.