News Roundup

• From the "Young Heroes" Department - A 9 year old boy in San Jose California rescued a 3 year old girl from the bottom of a pool.  The young girl is doing OK, and the boy is recovering from smacking his big brass balls on the side of the pool as he dove in.
• From the "Only in Kentucky" Department - 11 people, including 9 children, were hospitalized after the kids set off a tear gas grenade they were playing with.  Having been gassed on numerous occasions, I can say that this was probably the most sucktastic moment in these young peoples' lives.  As for the adults that left a CS grenade down where the kids could get to it, I'm hoping that they are the two who got taken to the hospital.
• From the "When I see it, I'll believe it" Department - Scientists in Massachusetts have reportedly been able to engineer a microbe that takes in waste water, sunshine, and carbon dioxide and excretes diesel fuel.  They are moving to ramp up to industrial sized testing, and are promising that this technology will solve the energy crisis, global warming, the unicorn shortage, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.  I personally will invest in this endeavor once my cold fusion, Chevy Volt, and Madoff investments pay off.

• From the "Nothing can go wrong here" Department - A man in Sweden is under investigation after authorities discovered he was building a nuclear reactor in his apartment.  No word yet on whether he will be charged in connection with the three headed dogs and three eyed fish found in his neighborhood.
• From the "Grand Theft Whirlybird" Department - Police in Oklahoma are searching for the parties who made off with a helicopter. In an unrelated question, has anyone seen aepilotjim lately?