News Roundup

• From the "Gangster Guns" Department - Two guns formerly owned by the notorious Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were recently auctioned in Kansas City.  The Thompson submachine gun and Winchester shotgun sold for $210,000.  I hope the new owner is a young person, because by the time the ATF OK's the transfer of the machine gun, they're going to be antiques themselves.
• From the "No Kidding?" Department - The captain of the Italian cruise ship that ran aground after hitting a rock has admitted that he "messed up".  Remember, this is the guy who ran his ship into an island, got off the boat as fast as he could, then argued with rescue coordinators as to whether or not he should return to his ship and assist in rescue efforts.   Son, "messed up" is what I call it when I put caramel flavored creamer in my coffee when I meant to put in un-flavored.  What you did can best be described as "poking the pooch", "stepping on your schwanz", or "biting the big one".  I wonder how you say "soup sandwich" in Italian?
• From the "Performing as Planned" Department - A TSA agent and his wife have been charged with theft after investigators discovered that the agent was putting pilfered belongings from travelers in a pocket that had been sewn into his uniform.  For those of you who are keeping track, this one goes in the ever-increasing "Breaking the Law and Violating People's Rights" column of your scorecard, while the "Catching Terrorists" column should add up to precisely "diddly" over "squat".
• From the "Hole in my Head" Department - A man in Illinois walked around for several days with a 3 1/2 inch nail in his head.  He took a knock to the noggin with a nail gun, thought the nail had missed, and went about his business.  I can sympathize with him.  I once walked around for a couple of days with a piece of buckshot in my hand before noticing that my left hand was turning funny colors and changing shape.  Some would call that a high pain tolerance.  However, the official report from the emergency room probably included the term "not too bright".