News Roundup

• From the "No Kidding" Department - A new study finds that 25% of Iraqis polled say they are "suffering".  This is an increase from 2009.  And to that I say this:  What did you expect?  You all had 8 years to create a functioning government, learn to keep the lights and water on, and create police forces that are more than well equipped gangs.  Now that we've taken our ball and gone home, you get to be big boys and girls and try to not re-enact Lord of the Flies on a national scale.  To be perfectly honest, I don't give two hoots about whether or not Iraqis feel they are suffering.
• From the "Doom" Department - The United States' national debt has come to equal the countries GDP.  For those of you playing at home, that means that we owe as much money as the value of every transaction, service, and thing that we build in this country.  The economy, which is still growing at less than 2% a year, would have to grow at over 6%  a year in order to stay ahead of the debt at the rate it's growing.  That sound you hear is our thrifty ancestors crawling out of the grave to pimp slap the lot of us.
• From the "Atmosphere" Department - A man in France recently had a really bad night.  He dropped his wallet into the sewer, went in after it and got stuck, and spent the night with his head in a French sewer.  To add insult to injury, when police helped to rescue him, they noticed that he had been putting waste oil into the sewer at the time of his accident, and now he's being prosecuted for polluting.  So what is worse than having your head caught in a French sewer?  Having your head caught in a French sewer you've been topping off with used motor oil.
• From the "Public Employee of the Year" Department - A school worker in New York had her daughters call her employer to report that a fictitious sister had died of a heart attack, then she forged a death certificate so that she could get time off for bereavement and jet her way to the tropical paradise that is Puerto Rico.  School officials became suspicious when her poor job of photoshopping the death certificate was spotted.  Apparently she didn't consult with Dan Rather on how to make sure the correct fonts are used.