Wednesday, January 11, 2012

This is the End!

OK, people!  This is it!  This is what we've been training for!  This is the beginning of the end for civilization as we know it!  We may have a revolution up in here after this!

Hostess is going bankrupt.

The purveyor of Twinkies, Ho-Ho's, and a myriad of other sweet treats has fallen on hard times.  American tastes, even as we have become fatter as a whole, has turned away from the basic ingredients of Hostess' line:  fat, sugar, flour, and coconut.  Soon you will no longer be able to get coconut covered, cream filled cholesterol bombs at the Stop 'n' Stab.  Nuclear fallout shelters will be bereft of food that will truly last until the end of the world as we know it, with no need to seal it in mylar with an oxygen eater.

True story:  When I transferred to my first duty station in Germany, it was just a few weeks after the end of the first Gulf War.  During the war, shipments of non-essential items, such as snack cakes, to the exchanges and commissaries in Europe had been suspended so that the shipping could be used to support the war effort.   You can imagine the deprivation of military families having to subsist on German pastries when the supply of Ding-Dong's dried up.  A month or so after we got there, my wife and I went to the commissary one Saturday afternoon.  Apparently, the first shipment of chips, snack cakes, and American candy had come in.  The scene we encountered after getting our shopping cart was right out of a nightmare.  There were housewives arguing over the last bag of Dorito's, soldiers pulling rank over a box of Hershey bars, and even worse.  I heard, and may the Lord strike me down if I'm exaggerating, the wife of the local garrison commander exclaim "Hey bitch!  Get away from those Ho-Ho's!".

Now imagine that scene replicated all over the world as the last of the cupcakes and chocolate cakes runs out.  We are talking fat men playing chicken with grocery store scooters, housewives ripping at each other's hair, and grandmothers knifing anyone who gets between them and those sweet, sweet Twinkies.  Blood will run red in the snack foods aisle!

If you haven't stocked your larder high with Twinkies, then you should do so as soon as you can.  It's like bulk .308 and 7.62x54r:  It stacks well and it never goes bad.


Nancy R. said...

"Hey bitch! Get away from those Ho-Ho's!"

My reply would have been "It takes one to know one. And I don't mean the 'bitch' part."

ZerCool said...

"Contrary to popular belief, Twinkies do have an expiration date." - Tallahassee

bluesun said...

I can't even remember the last time I ate a twinkie... I guess that means it's my fault they're going bankrupt.

Phillip said...

My wife has a picture up on Facebook that she took of a Twinkie I had bought that I had allowed to sit around long enough to grow mold. I believe it was right around three weeks that they were on the shelf. So yes, Twinkies go bad.

Word verification, I kid you not, is dental.

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