News Roundup

• From the "Burnt Offerings" Department - Police and fire officials in Los Angeles are investigating an epidemic of car arsons.  No word yet on whether or not the perpetrators are targeting Ford EarthF***ers or Priuses (Priui?) in order to make an environmental point.  I remember how much having a car meant in California.  This guy better hope he never gets caught.  I've seen how bad a beatdown someone can get for just scuffing a little paint.  Imagine the ass whooping the old lighter fluid treatment will earn you.
• From the "Treacherous Waters" Department - A pirate themed cruise ship ran aground in Miami last night.  Reports are that no serious injuries occurred.  Hopefully Captain Bluebeard and his scurvy crew are back to work soon.  There seems to be a dearth of pirates in the Caribbean lately, and it's becoming an American icon.
• From the "Progress" Department - Iran has announced that it has been able to fabricate its first nuclear fuel rod.  In related news, the Air Force is reporting that they are making special depleted uranium penetrators out of our nuclear fuel rods from the 1960's.
• From the "Rule Four Fail" Department - A 12 year old boy in Florida is in the hospital after being stuck in the head with what is thought to be New Years Eve celebratory fire.  Here we have yet another example of how one douchebag can give the rest of us a bad reputation.  I've always wondered what it is about New Year's Eve that turns a responsible gun owner into Ahmed bin Dumbass with the urge to crank off a few shots into the ether.
• From the "Creepy" Department - A new book is asserting that John F. Kennedy Jr. asked Madonna to pose on the front page of his magazine dressed as his mother.  Yeah, nothing weird about that.  Everyone wants someone whose entire persona is as a bad girl to dress up as mommy dearest for a few candid photos.  Need a little something more to make you want to go wash?   He got Drew Barrymore to dress up as Marilyn Monroe when she sang 'Happy Birthday' to his father to do the cover photo when Madonna turned him down.  So he went through two women his father slept with in order to get a naughty girl on the cover of his rag.  Something tells me John-John had some explaining to do when he got to the afterlife.