Rules for Dating Girlie Bear

OK, I know it's a worn out meme, and others have done it before and probably better than I can. But Girlie Bear has another dance at school Monday night, and I'm almost certain there will be boys there.  So I thought I'd codify the rules for being my daughter's date so that there can be no confusion:

1. My name is Sir or Mr. Bear.  You will not call me by my first name, my last name without the Mr., or any other way of addressing me.  I'm also not a pronoun.  You may, on occasion, when speaking to my daughter, use the term "your father" to reference me.
2. Age rule:  One year older than Girlie Bear, one year younger than Girlie Bear.  If you're too young, I'll call your mother.  If you're too old, I'll call your father.  If you're way too old, I'll call the police to come pick your carcass up off the lawn.
3. My daughter should come home with the same number of tears in her eyes as when she left.  If she ever comes home with a deficit in the amount of eye-water or a gain in the number of bruises, they won't ever be able to find your body.
4. She may seem like a nice, quiet, thoughtful girl, and she is.  But she comes from a long, proud line of people with big tempers who fight dirty.  I've taught her to punch, kick, bite, scratch, knife, and shoot.  Piss her off at your own risk.
5. I have veto power on who Girlie Bear goes out with, when she goes, where she goes, and the planned activities. There is no appeal, because there is no higher authority.
6. If I smell alcohol on either of you at any time, game over.  Same goes for weed or cigarettes. 
7. Arguing or fighting with me about anything will gain you nothing but a jaw wired shut and your next few meals fed to you through a straw.  I may be old, slow, and fat, but I bet I can take more of a beating than you can, and I know how long it takes to heal.  I will bet money you don't.
8. I set a curfew for a reason.  I will be waiting when she gets home.
9. I know that all teenagers lie on occasion, and I have spent years trying to learn how to tell if someone is lying to me.  So if I suspect that Girlie Bear is lying to me about you, you're gone.  If she tells me one thing, and you deny it, I'll know you're lying because your lips are moving.
10. I have an evolutionary investment in Girlie Bear, in that I want her to survive to proper reproductive age in order to pass on my genes.  I have no such investment in you, and I see no reason to be rational about anything having to do with you.  Never forget that.