Sunday, October 23, 2011

Goodbye, good luck, and thanks for all the wounded

Taken from a speech given by Vice Presidential Candidate DaddyBear:

Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan for as long as he can count on American troops to keep him alive, has publicly stated that in the event that Pakistan and the United States get into a scrum, he would stand with Pakistan.

Hey, no problem.  He's an adult and kind of the leader of a sovereign nation, provided that someone else's sons and daughters do the bleeding.  If he wants to side with his neighbor in a war against us, that's his call.  Far be it from us to force someone to be our friend and ally after we put him in power and kept his useless hide from being tacked to the city gates of Kabul for the past 10 years.

But just so he knows how much we appreciate his candor, if elected, Candidate X and I will bring home every swinging dogtag in Afghanistan the day after the inauguration.  We will make sure to destroy every building, road, fighting position, gun emplacement, and runway we constructed.  The term "no stone on top of another" would be included in the operations order.  The Air Force will get to re-live that whole "carpet bombing" thing they've been salivating for since the end of Vietnam so that the process won't take too terribly long.  Just for good measure, any equipment we leave behind will be stacked up, doused in diesel fuel and have thermite grenades thrown on top to make sure that the best that Karzai and the rest of his kleptocrats can do with it is use the puddled remains for aluminum siding.

While we're at it, any Afghani that has worked with us and been an actual help as opposed to a parasite or spy for either Karzai, the Pakistani's, or the Taliban will be granted a green card and a one way ticket to the States.  That way, the go-getters of Afghanistan who have worked hard and risked their lives can come here and enrich our society rather than be killed or wasted in the civil war that I think will start about  9 minutes afte the last C-17 goes wheels up.

One other thing:  Once the Afghanistan withdrawal is complete, we can tell Karzai's pals in Karachi to go piss up a rope, which Candidate X and I will do as part of the inaugural address.  That way Pakistan and Afghanistan can be buddies without us interfering.  We will, however, make both governments acutely aware that the next time we have to mess with that particularly God-forsaken part of the planet, we won't be as gentle or restrained as we were this go-round.  Expect "Carthagio Delenda Est" to be the name of the operation for that one.

As for Karzai, we will freeze every account related to him, his family, his government, and anything to do with them.  Let him try to flee the country after the Taliban and the Pakistani's put a price on his head without the billions of dollars that we've been pouring into his country for the past decade.

Ladies and gentlemen, we should be outraged by the lack of gratitude shown to us for the blood, sweat, and treasure we have poured into Third World crapholes for the past decade.  Thousands of American families have an empty chair at the table.  Thousands of American veterans have left part of their body and soul in the dust of jerkwaters with the goal of bringing freedom and a better life to the people who live there.  I won't even talk about the trillions of dollars we have poured down these toilets for the past decade.  Now we are being told that we can't count on those we've put in power to return the favor if it's not politically or financially beneficial to them.  If you're not mad as hell, you're not paying attention.

Hamid, you've had a good run, and you've got some nifty cape and hat combinations to show for it.  Candidate X and I wish you luck.  Say hello to the Pakistani intelligence agents that will be in charge of your interrogation and execution for us.  Just tell them DaddyBear said hey!


Borepatch said...

I blame the "Smart Diplomacy" that's been on display lately.

But yeah, we need to tell Pakistan that there won't be any need for us to salt the ground. You don't salt glass ...

Old NFO said...

Agree with both you and BP...

Scott McCray said...


Where do I sign up for your campaign?

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