News Roundup

• From the "Snausages" Department - A woman in California has been arrested after drugging her husband, tying him up, cutting off his male member with a kitchen knife, and throwing it into the garbage disposal.  She may have found something worse than divorce for dismembering a husband.  Remember guys, even if they don't kill you, they can make you wish for death.  Keep your wife happy.
• From the "Why Can't We All Just Get Along" Department - Rodney King has gotten himself arrested for drunken driving again.  You all remember Rodney, don't you?  He's that fun loving kid who got his ass beat pretty horrifically by the police after driving drunk in 1991.  The acquittal of the police officers who beat him in 1992 sparked massive rioting and looting in Los Angeles.  I'm not defending the police here, but if King's mom and dad had raised him right, we wouldn't be having this discussion.  Maybe if they'd smacked him a few times for acting like he does, he wouldn't have gotten smacked by the LAPD, then we wouldn't have had all those problems.
• From the "Let's Name Her Coleman" Department - A lady in Kansas gave birth in a tent when she went camping when she was 39 weeks pregnant.  She claims her doctor told her she would not go into labor that weekend, and thought a few nights in the woods was just what she needed to get ready for a C-section.  Ma'am, I'm not going to call you a fool, but you're an idiot.  It's the hottest part of the summer, you're as big as a house, and you thought that sleeping in a tent for the weekend was a good idea?   You have another child, so you must know that they tend to do things at the darndest times and in the darndest places.  Thankfully, both you and the child seem to be OK. In this case, stupidity didn't turn into tragedy.
• From the "Kabuki and Other Forms of Theater" Department - A lawmaker wants something done about the state of airport security in the United States.  Apparently there have been about 25,000 security incidents at American airports since late 2001, and dadgummit, there oughta be a law!  No word on whether his proposed reforms entail disassembling the TSA, actively profiling and checking on the people who use our airports, including the people who work there, and leaving little kids and grandmothers alone.  Of course, the TSA is squealing like a pig with his testicles caught in a fence.  Nothing tells me a bureaucracy is ready for reform than when it reacts emotionally to the thought of being reformed.
• From the "Just How Big Was That Cup" Department - Someone dropped a cup of orange soda off of a highway overpass in Pennsylvania, and it smashed through the windshield of a police vehicle.  Thankfully the officer wasn't harmed.  Something tells me he's never going to get that sicky-sweet citrusy smell out of his car though.  I also would like to thank McDonalds for their new 55 gallon size Coke.  There's nothing better than buying a soda in Louisville and having enough Coke Zero to get you through to Denver.