Military Ranks Explained

Colonel

• Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Can fly higher than a mighty rocket
• More powerful than a locomotive
• Gives policy guidance to God

Lieutenant Colonel

• Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings
• Speed compares favorably with a speeding bullet
• Can fly as high as a B-52
• Can wrestle a train to the ground for two out of three falls
• Talks to God

Major

• Can leap over short buildings
• Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet
• Only flies as high as a C-130
• Loses Tug of War with locomotive
• Listens to God

Captain

• Runs into the building while trying to leap them
• Can shoot bullets, sometimes accidentally hits target
• Has trouble getting off the ground
• Knows what the underside of the train looks like
• Talks to animals

First Lieutenant

• Can occasionally find the door to a building, usually attempts window first
• Not issued ammunition
• Walks with no assistance
• Can identify a train two out of three times
• Talks to posters on the wall

Second Lieutenant

• What's a building?
• Has a good time with a super soaker
• Walks with assistance
• Likes to wave at the choo-choo
• Has a wonderful vocabulary that was learned from Sesame Street

Sergeant

• Kicks building out of the way and keeps on going
• Catches bullet, chews it to bits
• Flies higher than then angels
• Inspects locomotive, chews caboose
• Is God