News Roundup

• From the "Get Out The Vote" Department - A poll worker in Ohio showed his appreciation for voter turnout by trying to de-nose a poll-goer with his bare teeth.  Apparently, the man said something that wasn't appreciated, and the poll-worker strenuously retorted with a head butt and the application of a bite to the nose.  I guess in Cleveland, the saying goes "Vote early, vote often, and bring a bandaid".
• From the "Democracy Delivered" Department - A lady in New York gave birth to her child in a fire house in the room next to where the local polls were located.  She named the little girl "Charis", but I have it on good authority that if it had been a boy, his name would have been "Chad".
• From the "Au Natural" Department - A man in New York was briefly taken to a psychiatric hospital after he was accused of walking naked and drunk through the workout area of a hotel.  He denies doing it, of course, and it's possible he didn't.  But remember kids, if you're rich, you're not crazy, you're eccentric.
• From the "Damned If You Do" Department - President Obama recently decided not to decide quite yet on a controversial oil pipeline that would have taken crude from Canada to refineries in Texas while crossing several areas that are considered ecologically sensitive.  This move is considered to be a political punt to move the actual decision to make a decision about the decision until after the decision.  But political mastery of this magnitude is usually a double edged sword.  You see, while this non-decision placates the tree-hugging wing of his party, the President risks alienating the deep-pocketed union wing.  How awful that the evil cabal of hippies and blue collar drones that elected him may blow up in his face!  It's almost like machine politics and statesmanship are mutually exclusive concepts or something!
• From the "Close Call" Department - A Florida man continues to draw air after recovering a $10,000 ring that he accidentally threw away.  The man dug through trash at the landfill for about 30 minutes before striking gold.  I assume that the ring has been fully sanitized and returned to his lovely wife.  Some will look at this as a sign of a man's love for his wife.  I look at this as a perfect example of self-preservation instinct.  I would have been afraid to sleep until I either found or replaced the bobble.