Fun Gunnie Game

The other night, while eating dinner, a bunch of gun geeks came up with a bit of a game.  We came up with indicators that you might be a 'gun nut'.

Here's what I can remember* of the indicators and a couple I thought of later:

You might be a gun nut if:

• Your guns are cleaner than your car.
• You have more gun safes than you do cars
• If you've ever reached into your pocket to get change and come up with a live round
• You set a calendar reminder for your anniversary, but you can remember to the day when your carry license and C&R license need renewal.
• You put more thought into the names for your guns than you did for your kids.
• You are more excited about shaking Massad Ayoob's hand than you are about meeting Oliver North.

What do y'all have?

*My apologies, but my Irish ancestors would have been proud of how much Guinness I put away that night.

Earth Hour

In honor of Earth Hour, I've got a bunch of lights on, the TV and computers running, and the air conditioning is on.

As an added bonus, I made plans with the neighbor tonight to cut down a big honeysuckle bush that sits on the property line using a chain saw with a two-stroke motor.  Nothing like that wonderful blue smoke.  This was after I mowed the lawn with my dirty old powermower, which according to my enviro-hippie barista, kills little baby birds every time the engine fires.

What are you all doing to make a difference?

Crossing a line

I've always tried to not put inappropriate content on this little space.  I have refrained from putting up pictures of well put-together females and other blue topics.

But today I got a great picture of some really cute chicks, and I just had to share:

I love going to the country store.  I would have gotten a shot of some baby ducks too, but they were all sold out.

Another Reason to Celebrate the Day

Today is Pi day, but it is also another wonderful day on the American calendar.  Since this is a PG-13 blog, we'll have to play blog pictionary to figure out what it is:

Happy

Name That Entree!

and

Name this character from M*A*S*H

Day!

Happy Pi Day

Quote of the Day

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've created.  The ability to hang doo-dads on the end of a carbine is nothing compared to the power of the Mosin. -- Darth Vladimir, Dark Lord of Izhevsk and amateur chiropractor

Your Daily Humor

I laughed so hard my sides hurt.

H/T and hearty thanks to Captain Tightpants!

Children's Book Ideas

I was doing the Dr. Seuss thing with Boo tonight, and a part of my mind wandered.  It came back with these title ideas for children's books:

• If You Give a Moose a Mosin
• One Gun, Two Gun, Brown gun, Blued gun
• Pauly the Prepper Buries a Supply Cache
• Cosmoline the Clown
• Boo Magoo and the Tea Party Trio
• A is for Appleseed, B is for Boomerite
• 10 Little Gunnies
• Where the Stabby Things Are
• Gary the Goose Gets a Great Garand
• Ricky Ruger Goes to the Range

20 years of reading books to little kids might have twisted my mind a little.

New Car Line

Recently the People's Collective Automotive Fabrik announced a new car line:  The "Pendejo".  The line will include several models:

1. Pendejo Rapido - This model consists of the frame and body from a 1980's muscle car, bolted-on extra fins and a spoiler, extremely stiff suspension and steering,  a huge V16 mid-body engine, a cosmetic blower in the hood, and one heck of a stereo to drown out the road and engine noise.  It will also include an "auto-stick" transmission so you can pretend you're driving a standard transmission, even though you may never do anything but put it in park, reverse, and drive.  It will be marketed at people who saw "Cannonball Run" and "Fast and Furious" one too many times.  It will allow the driver to leave 15 feet of tire marks at intersections both stopping and starting, whip in and out of traffic, and cut off school buses.  This car screams "Live fast, die young!".
2. Pendejo Verde HTS - This model is a plug-in, electric, low emissions, recyclable, sustainable commuter car with a range of about 15 miles.  The car is composed of two recombinant recumbent bicycles welded to three ironing boards, with the trickle charger from a 1978 Winnebago connected to a bank of lithium batteries.  The body is made up of synthetic materials made out of recycled two-liter pop bottles and aluminum parts made from sintered ground-up Schlitz malt liquor cans.  This sporty two seater is furnished with airliner chairs taken out of old DC-8's, with a small cargo area big enough to carry not just one, but two loaves of organic, whole-grain, shade grown, high fiber, low carb, artisanal focaccia.  HTS stands for "Hipster Transport System" and that is the target market for this little beauty. Sure, any collision in this deathtrap at over 2 miles an hour will leave the occupants looking like underdone lasagna, but who wants to live forever?  As an added bonus, when the lithium batteries go critical after an accident, the carcasses of the occupants will become totally organic ash that will fertilize the byways of America for generations to come.
3. Pendejo Grande - This is the largest of the models in this line.  It will be marketed to middle-aged parents who want the convenience of a station wagon or minivan, but don't want to be seen in one.  The vehicle is the body and frame of a 1990's vintage minivan, with the suspension jacked up about a foot and a half, big knobby tires, bolted on extended wheel wells and headlight frames, deer stalker lights on the front of the cab, a hitch capable of towing a 155mm cannon, and a diesel engine salvaged from a garbage truck, but without the muffler.   American Moms and Dads will be able to pick up the kids from school, go to the grocery store, and haul all the groceries, soccer gear, Cub Scout equipment, and a load of mulch for the front yard confident that no-one will mistake them for someone who grew up and had kids.  This beast will come in coyote brown, OD green, and matte-black.  Accessories will include luggage containers that bolt to the included rooftop cargo rack that double as sails in high winds.  

Remember this name:  Pendejo - The car that matches your personality!

Caption This Photo

Caption This Photo

Today's Earworm

Louisville is in the midst of its first real snowfall this winter.  The local weather critters are hyperventilating about how bad this could get, and school closed two hours early today so that the students could get through their three hours of busride (no joke) before it gets dark.

Here's my take on it, with apologies to SSG Barry Sadler.


Fluffy snowflakes from the sky
Kentucky people whine and cry
Half an inch will fall today
Tomorrow morning, I'll shovel the driveway

Woolen cap upon my head
I'd rather be sleeping back in bed
School is closed, at home I'll stay
Right after I shovel the damn driveway

Kroger looks like a bomb has hit
The food is gone, every bit
Eggs, milk, and bread are their mainstay
A french toast emergency on a snowy day

Back at home, my laptop waits
I can't leave my customers to their fates
Email, WebEx, IM, and cell
Working remotely during the White Hell

Shovel the driveway, I tell my kid
But Dad, she says, I already did!
Half an inch more will fall today
Tomorrow morning, I'll shovel the driveway

Get it out of my brain!

Sorry to do this to you guys, but this has been going over and over in my mind for the past few hours, ever since I watched Fozzie Bear do the original.

Hi diddly dee

A blogger's life for me!

With Kalashnikov and Browning's guns

Tamara's snark and Peter's puns

LabRat's smart and Weerd is too

Mossad Ayoob talks about follow through

Auntie J and her little Fry

Pissed tells jokes that will make you cry

Robb has pants that he doesn't wear

Jennifer cut off all her hair

Oleg has magic that ditches clothes

Uncle's links and Brigid's prose

Jay counts goblins and Alan sighs

Linoge keeps pointing out all the lies

NFO has all the wonderful toys

Joe Huffman knows how to make some noise

Barron writes about all the bad cops

Borepatch has smarts that never stop

A bloggers life for me!

It goes on and on, but I think you get the idea.

Today's Chuckle - AR vs. AK

I lurve me some Dr. Seuss.  Larry Correia found this and posted it on FaceBook, and I very quickly stole it for your reading pleasure.

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and me and my spouse

Were assembling gifts and cleaning the house

The house smelled of pine and cinnamon spice

A fire was in the fireplace, and it felt really quite nice

The kids had crashed about an hour before

And I had just returned from a run to the store

With her in her robe and me in my sweats

She was dusting something and I was feeding the pets

When out on the lawn there came a big bang

And a moment later the telephone rang

"Hello?" I answered, actually I hissed

"DB?  This is Tony.  You're gonna be pissed"

"Come on outside, I need your help"

"I'm on my way. Keep it quiet, you inconsiderate whelp"

When out on the lawn I saw Tony's truck

And I knew that my night was out of good luck.

Under the Ford was a sled all covered in snow

Eight reindeer milled 'round, watching the show

Santa just stood there, he looked quite glum

Tony just stood there, stuck quite dumb

"What happened?" I said, hoping for the best

"This moron," said Santa, puffing out his chest

"Was doing doughnuts on the ice, and smashed up my sleigh!

And now I'm waiting for a tow truck to take it away!"

"Are you done with your rounds?" I asked, expecting the worst

"Not even close.  This continent was my first."

"Santa" I said, "What can we do?"

"Well, with some help, I think we'll pull through!"

We moved all the bags from the sleigh to the truck.

I explained it all to Irish Woman, and she wished us all luck.

Santa bolted something under the hood

And wouldn't you know it, that Ford flew really good!

We drove 'round the world, with Santa in charge

Delivering presents to houses both little and large

And just as the sun started to rise

I got home with sleep in my eyes

As I opened the door, guess what I found!

An M-1 Garand and a spam can of rounds!

Santa left a note that just said "Thanks!"

All Tony got was half a box of blanks.

So Christmas was saved

I hope you got all that you craved.

To all of my readers, both pro-Christmas and con

Merry Christmas to you, now get off my lawn!

The Grinch Who Stole Kimchi

The Who's down in Seoul-ville
Liked Christmas a lot
But the Leader up in Pyongyang
Certainly did not

He stood there in his gray suit
With his hair a foot high
He was a short, roundish thing
A really foul tempered guy

He stood there grinching, sipping his brandy
And snacking on caviar
His lackies kept handy.


"They're hanging their lights"
He grinched in Hongul
"It makes my people think
That I'm a big fool"

"Why for decades now
I've put up with their crap
My dad tried to stop them
But he got a pimp slap.
I've torpedoed their ships
and shelled their bases.
I'd love to take those Christmasy smiles
From their faces!"

Then the Leader got an idea
An awful idea
The Leader got an evil, awful idea

"I know just what I'll do"
Said the Leader with a smirk
"I'll rattle my saber and act like a jerk"

So he woke up his mouthpiece,
Who was shivering with cold
And the mouthpiece got on the horn
And did as he was told.

"The running dogs of the South must stop their fun
Or we will make them stop with the barrel of a gun.
Their food, their light, their warmth, their freedom
We'll blow that all up if they don't cease 'em."

His saber well rattled, his ego well stroked
The Leader was feeling really quite stoked.
So he retired to his castle, far from the Who's.
He just settled in for his winterly snooze.

The Who's, you ask?
What did they do?
Well, in Seoul-ville that day,
So the old people say,
They launched another video game to play.
So no-one heard the Leader grumping
And didn't hear the empty war drum he was thumping.
So in his hermit kingdom he will continue to rot
And the Who's will think of him not!

My List

Most of you have probably read Skippy's List. If you haven't, you should, especially if you've ever been in or around the military.  Warning:  Some of his language is a bit salty, and some of the things he talks about may cause psychic damage to the fragile, but it's funny.

I'm going to steal a page from his playbook and discuss things I'm not allowed to do at work.  Of course, I'm not as good at this as he is, so I'll stay with 10 things instead of 213.

DaddyBear:

1. May not name his servers Hal9000, Norman, Lizzie, Hannibal, BuffaloBill, Smeagol, or any other names taken from mentally disturbed people.
2. May not describe a difficult co-worker as "unable to lead wild dogs to raw meat".
3. May not use the term "football bat" or "self-licking ice cream cone" to describe someone else's project plan.
4. May not offer to take a problematic server out to the range for a little fun.
5. May not ask offer his boss a loan of the "Clue Wrench" prior to a meeting with customers.
6. May not suggest that competing vendors be locked in a cage in order to figure out who wants it more.
7. May not use the term "poked the pooch" or "sh** the bed" when discussing mistakes, either his own or those committed by co-workers.
8. May not set the password for a user who repeatedly forgets his password to 'ImaDoofus".
9. May not tell the IBM rep that the last thing his company made that was worth a darn had "Selectric" printed on it.
10. May not tell an application vendor that he could replace their product with a 25 line PERL script.

More Christmas Carols

Last year this time, I put up a few of my crooked Christmas carols.  Here are a couple more:


Not exactly a Christmas song, but fun to sing anyway. This one goes out to my Viking ancestors:

Burn the village to the ground,
Doo dah, doo dah
Spread the fire all around
All the doo dah day
Let it burn all night!
Let it burn all day!
I put my loot in the bottom of the boat,
Now let's row out into the bay.

This one has more of a Kentucky feeling to it:

See them resting, see them rolling
Marked with distiller and date
In the barn
There's shelves full of whiskey
Barrels sitting, whiskey aging
Giving angels their share
And in every tavern you'll hear:
Maker's Mark!
Maker's Mark!
It's bourbon time in Kentucky
Sip a nip, pour and drip
Soon it will be Bourbon Days!

And finally:

We'll be boned for Christmas
Obama is making it so
With deficits and hissy fits
He's ensuring our economy won't grow! 

Christmas Eve will find him,
Plotting collapse and strife
Ye, we'll be boned for Christmas
Paying taxes our whole life!

The pun is strong with this one

Robb Allen has a bit of time on his hands.  His commenters are just as bad.

Station Identification

Today the most disgusting thing I ever saw happend right before my eyes.......

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In accordance with government regulations, we now pause this blog for station identification.

You are reading DaddyBear's Den, a blog dealing with politics, guns, some technology, and the general madness of living with kids, dogs, cats, wives, ex-wives, and a job.  DaddyBear's Den is normally written from various locations in and around Louisville, Kentucky, but due to the magic of the InterWebz, it may be written anywhere in the universe that the author can find a wifi signal.

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DaddyBear appreciates your patronage of this site.  He recognizes that you have many options in choosing an Internet crank, and he is glad to provide you with your daily doses of spleen venting, whining, and bombast.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.
 

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.... AND I HOPE THEY ALL END UP WITH THEIR DANGLY BITS LAMINATED BETWEEN LAYERS OF SANDPAPER!