Tuesday, April 17, 2012

News Roundup

  • From the "Oopsie!" Department - The University of Alabama is replacing a trophy for the 2011 BCS football championship after it was smashed.  A parent of a current player accidentally broke it when they got tangled up in the carpet that runs under the case for the trophy.  In related news, a freshman linebacker for the University of Alabama has gone into hiding and is seeking out surgeons to change his face, complexion, and possibly his gender.
  • From the "Unpossible!" Department - Scientists are scratching their heads over new data that shows that some Asian glaciers are growing.  Their earlier projections predicted that the glaciers would have lost so much ice by now that they would only have been good for filling up a beer cooler or two.  According to the linked article, they are blaming Global Warming for the increased iceflows, which makes sense when you consider that I blamed global warming this morning when I burned the toast.
  • From the "All Workout Equipment is Always Loaded" Department - A man in California is recovering after being shot in the shoulder by a .22 bullet.  While someone getting shot is only mildly newsworthy, the method by which he received his wound is interesting:  He claims he dropped a dumbbell on a .22 rimfire, causing it to go off and hit him.  See, I told you working out was bad for your health.
  • From the "One Stop Shop" Department - A man in Maryland is under arrest after police discovered that he was selling marijuana out of his ice cream truck.  Personally, I think he ought to be given a medal for his business acumen.  The only way I could see this improved is if he also sold Doritos, snack cakes, and pizza along with vanilla fudge ripple and Grape Ape Ganja.
  •  From the "I Hope She Was Worth It" Department - Secret Service agents and members of the U.S. armed forces are in hot water after a prostitution scandal broke out in Colombia just prior to President Obama flying in for a summit.  It appears that the agents may have frequented a house of ill repute and made business deals with the ladies working there.  A dispute broke out with the management of the mason du chat, which brought in the police and the international press.  It is reported that the agents may have bragged about their connection to the president while trying to impress their 'dates', which will show you how stupid men can be sometimes when they mix alcohol and testosterone.  Several of the people involved have lost their security clearance over the episode, which is secret squirrel code for "You really ought to start working on your resume", and Congressional investigations are not far off.  Like my first sergeant used to say before we were sent off on one task or another:  "It's better to have blue balls than to have them cut off because you got caught waving them around on mission."  These guys are going to have their careers ruined because of a couple hours of hubris and stupidity.
  • From the "Pathetic" Department - Bill Maher, former semi-funny comedian, current political hack, and future assistant janitor at the Cape Girardeau, Kentucky, Department of Outhouses and Septic Systems, has pulled out his 'wit' and gotten involved in the kerfluffle over whether or not Ann Romney worked while raising five children as a stay at home mother.  While the reporter who originally stepped on her schwanz by saying that Mrs. Romney has never worked has backed down and admitted that staying at home with five kids and not putting your head in the oven is a difficult job, Maher has decided to agitate the excrement with a Cuisinart  in order to drum up a little publicity.  Quoth the clown:  "...there is a big difference between being a mother, and that tough job, and getting your ass out the door at 7 a.m. when it's cold, having to deal with the boss, being in a workplace, or even if you're unhappy you can't show it for eight hours."  Hopefully the horde of men and women who choose to stay at home and keep their families going doesn't find Mr. Maher before he has a chance to escape the country and find a position as the guy in charge of the ship dip at the nastiest New Zealand sheep ranch that can be found.  No response has been given to inquiries as to which part of the American population Mr. Maher will insult next, although 'wheelchair bound survivors of domestic abuse' is the most popular choice being bounced around by his writing staff at the moment.


North said...

"getting your ass out the door at 7 a.m. when it's cold, having to deal with the boss, being in a workplace"

This applies to many people, I'll agree.

For Maher it should read "getting your doped up ass out the door at 1 p.m. when it's cold (68 in Cali), having to deal with not getting enough free drinks, being in a bar"

And not only that, but fuck you with a blowtorch you waste of space piece of shit Bill Maher.

I mean "Have a nice day."

LabRat said...

You can show a lot more unhappiness in the workplace than you can show to a young child incapable of understanding that you don't hate him. But then Mr. Maher is a misogynist of long standing, which occasionally gets noticed even by the left.

As for the secret service agents, I am mostly pleased they revealed themselves as far too stupid/lacking in impulse control to be in their current jobs with so relatively minor consequences.

Auntie J said...

I'd like to see Bill Maher wrangle my three kids for one day without swearing.

Heck, I'd like to see him do it for an HOUR without swearing.

I'm glad I don't give his opinions much weight at all.

Make that none.

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