News Roundup

Haven't done one of these in a while, so let's have some fun:

From the "Fashion Police" Section - A leader of an Afghan terrorist organization was caught recently while dressed as a woman.  Reports are that this is a common occurrence.  My guess is that he was captured because no woman would wear a navy blue burqa with tan boots.  Guys, our fashion sense just isn't good enough to pull this off.
From the "Animal Commerce" Section - A group of scientists at Yale University are studying whether pictures of a female monkey or an alpha male attracts them more from one type of food or another.  I'd love to see the write-up for that grant.  "We would like to see if male monkeys would rather eat food that's advertised using pictures of sexy females or the food that's advertised with pictures of the monkey Marlboro man."
From the "That's Funny, Ours Can Reach Tehran from Minot" Department - An Iranian official has admitted that Iran's missile forces, including the Shahab-3 and Sajjil, can reach Israel and U.S. assets in the Middle East, and they have the ability to build missiles that go much further.  Dude, you don't want to get into a pissing-for-distance contest with the U.S. over whose missiles have the longest reach.  SAC had perfected ways to hit targets in that neck of the woods before this guy was a twinkle in his father's goat's eye.
From the "Need More Bullets" Department - The latest in a rash of smash and grab mob attacks struck a store in Atlanta on Tuesday morning.  My guess is that the store was closed in this occurrence, but other attacks have happened while stores are manned and taking care of customers.  My recipe for taking care of this problem is a castle doctrine, steady firing position, good sight picture and alignment, breath control, and trigger squeeze.  You can't tell me that this kind of crap would go on when people started getting shot while flash-mob-robbing the Banana Republic.  Some will argue that a shirt isn't worth killing someone over, but I'll retort by saying that a shirt isn't worth dieing over.
Finally, from the "Need More Crazy Glue" Department - A hotel in Austin, Texas, has announced that it will be replacing over 1000 glass panels after several of the existing panels fell and broke on Monday.  My guess is that they need to move their adhesive up from chewing gum and duct tape to Gorilla Glue.