Friday, March 25, 2011

Suicidal Herbivores

Dear Does,

It appears that some mass hysteria has struck your ranks.  In the 5 miles between the highway and my home, three of your number attempted to end their lives by impacting themselves on the front bumper and/or fenders of my minivan.  I also saw large groups of you standing in the fields next to the road, all of which seemed to stare longingly at the cars that were passing them.

Whatever is troubling you, it's not worth dying for.  Life is good.  Spring has sprung, the grass is green and sweet, and the trees are budding.  Soon, there will be a new herd of fawns to take care of, and the trees will be full of fruit before you know it.  Just get through this rough period and you will be fine.

If you still feel this way in November, please feel free to line up in front of my friends and me, and we will ensure that your death goes to a good cause.  Namely, to fill our freezers and jerky dryers.

In the meantime, if you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, my dog Shadow spends his afternoon in the yard that backs up to the field with the apple tree and blackberry bushes.  He is a good listener, and is known for giving wonderful hugs.

Yours sincerely,


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