News Roundup

• From the "Rocket Surgery" Department - The European Space Agency has announced that their latest rocket, the Vega, has made its maiden flight.  It is expected that the Vega will be used to lift satellites into orbit alongside its larger models, the Soyuz and the Ariane.  That is, it will be used for that purpose until the engine quits and it starts to rust through.  Once it reaches that state, it will probably be replaced with a more efficient Japanese rocket and sit on blocks in front of ESA headquarters until sold for scrap to pay for tickets to see Van Halen.
•  From the "Self Correcting Problem" Department - A man has been going to high school athletic matches and jumping on the backs of athletes.  Apparently someone didn't get enough hugs as a kid, and now he needs attention.  The man has been convicted of several crimes connected to these acts, but that doesn't seem to deter him.  My guess is he will continue to do this until he jumps on the back of a rugby player or the fathers of the athletes he's messing with start wearing steel toed workboots to the games.  After that, the problem will be taken care of all by itself.
• From the "Want Fries With That?" Department - A McDonalds manager in Australia is under arrest after throwing hot oil on a man who came across the counter at him.  Police are trying to decide if the man acted in self defense.  I'm not going to try to influence your views on this, but I plan on having McDonalds for lunch tomorrow to go with my Starbucks.
• From the "Four Rules" Department - A woman in Florida was shot in the head after a parishioner at her church took his gun out to show it to someone else, but forgot that even when you take the magazine out of the gun, there may still be a bullet in the chamber.  Heck, I've found that bullets sometimes grow there all by themselves, even after you swear you checked it.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  By our dumbasses shall we be judged.  This idiot broke at least two of the Four Rules, and because of his bad judgement, a young woman is badly wounded.  Here's hoping she pulls through, and that this jerk serves as a good example of what not to do.