Friday, December 16, 2011

Town Hall Meeting

The following is a partial transcript of a recent town hall meeting that Vice Presidential DaddyBear.

Elderly Lady:   Mr. DaddyBear, my name is Mabel Torkelsdotter.  I've worked hard all my life, and I've paid into Social Security for years.  I've been told that you and Candidate X want to shut down Social Security and leave me with nothing.  Is that true?  And if it is, why do you hate old people?

DaddyBear:  Ma'am, we don't want to leave you and those of your generation with nothing.  I'm not going to be rude and ask your age, but would it be safe to say you were born before the Eisenhower administration?  OK, good, then you're grandfathered, er, grandmothered into the current system.  We know that you all planned your later years with Social Security payments as a big part of your income, and we're not going to mess that up.  But yes, we want to dismantle Social Security, but in a graduated, merciful way.  You all are going to get your Social Security benefits the way you were promised.  Your kids are going to have to work a little longer and do some other things, but they'll get benefits of some kind.  Your grandkids, who are my age and younger, are going to have their entire working life to plan their golden years without factoring in Social Security.  But no, we don't hate old people.  I hope to be an old person myself someday. 

Elderly Lady:  Oh, well, that's different than what I've been hearing from AARP and the nice ladies at the senior center.

DaddyBear:  Ma'am, I'm glad we could clear that up.

Young Girl:  Mr. DaddyBear, um, my name is Nancy Miller, and I'm 7 years old.  My teacher says that you and Mr. X want to fire all of the people at my school and make us kids work in a coal mine.  Is that true?  Because I don't want to work in a coal mine.

DaddyBear:  Hello Nancy.  Thank you for coming here tonight to talk to me.  Wow, 7 and you're already asking important questions.  Are you in the 1st or 2nd grade, little one?

Young Girl:  I'm in the second grade.

DaddyBear:  OK, so you've already learned your ABC's and counting, and you can add and subtract some numbers, and I bet you can already read books by yourself.

Young Girl:  Yes, I love to read Dr. Seuss

DaddyBear:  Hey!  So do I!  Well, Nancy, you know that being a teacher is what your teacher does as a job, right?

Young Girl:  Yes

DaddyBear:  And it's an important job.  We want your teacher to do as good a job as she can because if she doesn't, you won't learn as much as you can.  Do you have jobs at home, Nancy? 

Young Girl:  Yes, I have to pick up my room and feed the kitty every morning before the bus comes.

DaddyBear:  Do your mom and dad give you an allowance for doing your chores?

Young Girl:  Oh, yes.  I get two whole dollars every week. 

DaddyBear:  If you don't pick up your room or if you forget to feed the cat, do you get your two dollars?

Young Girl:  No.  Mommy says that if I don't do my chores, I don't get my dollars.
DaddyBear:  Well, if your teacher doesn't teach you what you're supposed to learn, then I don't think she should get her dollars.

Young Girl:  But Mrs. Jones is a good teacher!

DaddyBear:  I can tell she's a good teacher.  She and your mommy and daddy and all of your other teachers are doing a good job to make such a smart little girl out of you.  But some teachers aren't as good.  In fact, some teachers don't teach much at all, and what we want to do is make sure the good teachers keep teaching little girls to read and do math, but ask the not so good teachers to find some other job.  So no, Nancy, we don't want to fire all of your teachers and make you work in a coal mine. 

Young Man:  Mr. DaddyBear, my name is Rainwater.  I live in the Occupy settlement up the road.  I hear that you want to legalize weed.  Dude, that's so cool! 

DaddyBear:  Rainwater?  Really?  Son, please tell me your mother didn't name you Rainwater.

Young Man:  No, she didn't.  I took the name Rainwater to show my new identity as a revolutionary!

DaddyBear:  Really?  A revolutionary?

Young Man:  Yeah!  You can't lead the masses to revolution with a name like 'Bradley'.

DaddyBear:  Wow, OK.  Well, then, let's answer your question.  Yes, Candidate X and I believe that there are better ways to spend money and time than keeping a grown person from using whatever intoxicant they want.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think that getting baked on a regular basis is a bad idea just like I think getting wasted every other night is a bad idea.  But if you don't hurt anyone but yourself, who am I to stop you?

Young Man:  That's so cool!  Wow, maybe you aren't as big an oppressor as the guys back at the drum circle say you are.  Dude, want to come back with me?

DaddyBear: That's OK, Rainwater.  I'm not very good with drums, and to be honest, I'm allergic to patchouli.  But hey, why don't you go back to your people and tell them about this?

Young Man:  Dude, that's a great idea!  I can be your human megaphone! Sweet!

Editor's Note:  Mr. DaddyBear will be holding other townhall meetings in the coming weeks. Transcripts will be posted as they become available.


Rauðbjorn said...

Great. Now I have this mental image of you shouting into some unwashed hippie's ass to be heard by the 99%.

I need mental floss.

Auntie J said...

Okay, Rauôbjorn, I'm holding you personally responsible for the hilarious mental imagery you just inflicted on me!

I'll get back to you when I stop laughing....

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