Friday, January 27, 2012

New Car Line

Recently the People's Collective Automotive Fabrik announced a new car line:  The "Pendejo".  The line will include several models:

  1. Pendejo Rapido - This model consists of the frame and body from a 1980's muscle car, bolted-on extra fins and a spoiler, extremely stiff suspension and steering,  a huge V16 mid-body engine, a cosmetic blower in the hood, and one heck of a stereo to drown out the road and engine noise.  It will also include an "auto-stick" transmission so you can pretend you're driving a standard transmission, even though you may never do anything but put it in park, reverse, and drive.  It will be marketed at people who saw "Cannonball Run" and "Fast and Furious" one too many times.  It will allow the driver to leave 15 feet of tire marks at intersections both stopping and starting, whip in and out of traffic, and cut off school buses.  This car screams "Live fast, die young!".
  2. Pendejo Verde HTS - This model is a plug-in, electric, low emissions, recyclable, sustainable commuter car with a range of about 15 miles.  The car is composed of two recombinant recumbent bicycles welded to three ironing boards, with the trickle charger from a 1978 Winnebago connected to a bank of lithium batteries.  The body is made up of synthetic materials made out of recycled two-liter pop bottles and aluminum parts made from sintered ground-up Schlitz malt liquor cans.  This sporty two seater is furnished with airliner chairs taken out of old DC-8's, with a small cargo area big enough to carry not just one, but two loaves of organic, whole-grain, shade grown, high fiber, low carb, artisanal focaccia.  HTS stands for "Hipster Transport System" and that is the target market for this little beauty. Sure, any collision in this deathtrap at over 2 miles an hour will leave the occupants looking like underdone lasagna, but who wants to live forever?  As an added bonus, when the lithium batteries go critical after an accident, the carcasses of the occupants will become totally organic ash that will fertilize the byways of America for generations to come.
  3. Pendejo Grande - This is the largest of the models in this line.  It will be marketed to middle-aged parents who want the convenience of a station wagon or minivan, but don't want to be seen in one.  The vehicle is the body and frame of a 1990's vintage minivan, with the suspension jacked up about a foot and a half, big knobby tires, bolted on extended wheel wells and headlight frames, deer stalker lights on the front of the cab, a hitch capable of towing a 155mm cannon, and a diesel engine salvaged from a garbage truck, but without the muffler.   American Moms and Dads will be able to pick up the kids from school, go to the grocery store, and haul all the groceries, soccer gear, Cub Scout equipment, and a load of mulch for the front yard confident that no-one will mistake them for someone who grew up and had kids.  This beast will come in coyote brown, OD green, and matte-black.  Accessories will include luggage containers that bolt to the included rooftop cargo rack that double as sails in high winds.  
Remember this name:  Pendejo - The car that matches your personality!


jacklymartin said...

Car manufacturers come and go, but more so with personal designs. National car producers are often "disloyal" to certain designs as confirmed by GM's continuous name modifying when it comes to stream-lined vehicles.

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Sean D Sorrentino said...

The Verde should have two "recumbent" bikes. Bikes are recumbent, DNA is recombinant.

DaddyBear said...

Whoops! Thanks Sean! One of these days I need to hire an editor.

Auntie J said...

I work cheap, DB. ;)

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