Friday, January 16, 2009

An open letter to Louisville Drivers

Dear People Who Claim to Know How to Drive,

I know that the Commonwealth of Kentucky has blessed you with a drivers license, and you have somehow scraped together the money for a car, have gotten the keys to mommy and daddy's car, or have a spouse that can get you that nice expensive SUV. But you need to get some help in driving. What you are doing is not driving, it is moving a motor vehicle in a generally forward direction.

To the asshat in the Audi yesterday on I-64, I'm sorry that my driving 5 miles over the speed limit while trying to pass the semi got in the way of you weaving in and out of traffic. I appreciate you testing your horn, flashing lights, and finger when you climbed up on my bumper. Thank you for not running into me while I finished my lane change and using the shoulder for the left half of your vehicle to pass me so that I had time to safely pull back into the right lane.

To the nice police officer in the well concealed SUV on I-64, thank you very much for immediately turning on your lights and pulling Mr. Asshat in the Audi over. You made my afternoon.

To the nice lady who stopped her vehicle 3 feet to the rear right of my car when I was trying to pull out of the Walmart parking space last night, thank you for honking your horn to let me know that you were there and for flashing your brights so that I could clearly see the inside of my car. I apologize for not immediately pulling out, but I would have had to drive up on your hood to do it. I'm sorry that you had to put your car into reverse and pull back a few feet, but I hope that the 3 minutes I had to wait for you to get the clue and back up were worth the wait for the parking space.

To the NASCAR fans in the F-150 and Chevy Silverado that were driving side by side 5 miles under the speed limit on the freeway this morning, please drop the green flag and then jockey for position in one lane. The rest of us have to get to work.

I hope all of you have a great weekend. I pray that our weather stays clear so that you won't have to deal wiith wet or slippery roads. In that event, you can have the roads, I'm parking my car and waiting for natural selection to take hold on our roadways.

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