Friday, July 30, 2010

10 Simple Rules for Using My Systems

  1. No, you do not need root, oracle, or administrator rights. If your software demands it, re-code or find another vendor.
  2. If you utter the words FTP, telnet, rsh, or rexec in my presence in reference to my systems, then I think you need to either re-design your solution or find another SysAd. I will not break corporate policy or industry best practices to make your life easier.
  3. I do not now, never have, nor will I ever care about what your previous SysAd did for you.  If you want me to do your job or the job of your contractor/vendor, then I want payment from your or their salary up front.  If you can do it yourself with the rights that have been assigned to you, then it's your responsibility, not mine.
  4. I will answer my cell phone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for you.  I will bleed through my eyes in exhaustion to bring your services back up in an emergency.  I will work through the night, while my children are peacefully asleep and by all rights, so should I, so that your customers aren't overly inconvenienced by downtime.  But if you come to me on a Friday afternoon and announce that there will be a planned upgrade this weekend that you didn't think to tell me about, don't act surprised if I get a little red in the face while I sit there and hold back the torrent of obscenities that are filling up my mind.
  5. Yes, it costs that much.  I know you can go to BigBox Electronics and get something for a lot less, but I'm not going to jeopardize our business using some crack-house solution because you want to save a few dollars. Yes, I said crack-house.  No I didn't mean ghetto.  The difference between crack house and ghetto is that a man can still be proud in a ghetto.  There's no pride in a crack house.
  6. No, I don't think we need to meet every week.  Face to face is essential, but not every bleeding week.  A status report and a quick phone call should be sufficient at least half the time.
  7. I don't work for you.  I work for my manager, his manager, and so on until you get up the food chain to the CEO.  I do, however, work with you.  If you need something from me, please feel free to ask for it.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm an easy guy to get along with.  I may object to what you ask for, and you may not get what you want each and every time, but I will at least be pleasant and explain why you can't have it and suggest other options that may satisfy your requirement.
  8. Going to my manager because I told you no, told you it would be expensive when your crack house solution would be cheaper, or tried to help you find a better solution that doesn't resemble a Rube Goldberg cartoon will get you precisely nowhere.  He was a SysAd himself, and will back me up to the hilt if what I did or said is right.  If I say something that scares or offends you, then please, go talk to him about me.
  9. Do not try to intimidate me.  I am a veteran, have four children, two ex-wives, and am married to a full-blooded Irish redhead.  Do you really think that threatening to give me a negative rating on my personnel review is going to scare me?
  10. Please remember that I am not being a jerk just for the fun of it.  I am just trying to follow the rules that have been set down by our company for how we do business, which is to be spend money smartly to ensure that our solutions work, to keep our data and our customers' data secure, and to plan our work so that everyone gets what they need and some of what they want.  We're all trying to do the same thing here. 


Scott McCray said...

Hear, hear!

I have this same set of rules...

Shannon said...

You should have these printed on an attractive heavy cardstock. You could then hand them out to obstinate clients and never have to say a single word...

Anonymous said...

Liar Liar pants on fire. You do enjoy being a jerk just for the heck of it. I've known you long enough to know that!!! LMAO

DaddyBear said...

Now, now. That was a long time ago, far far away, and I've destroyed all photographic evidence of it!

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