Friday, May 20, 2011

Thoughts on the Rapture

OK, for the moment, let's assume that the church that is predicting that the Apocalypse will begin tomorrow is more than a bunch of whackjobs who failed reading comprehension while reading the New Testament.  I know it's hard, but let's do it for the sake of the argument.

If I walk out into my yard tomorrow, and the living saints that live in the two houses to my west and south are gone, things will have abruptly changed.

I'm guessing that by the time I realize it's happened, most of the rest of Louisville will have lost its bloody mind.  Even if I was in a looting frame of mind (I won't be), all the good stores would have already been emptied and set on fire.  My guess is that my neighborhood would quickly turn into an armed camp to keep rioters, panicked hippies, distressed yuppies, and ironically frightened hipsters out.  Yes, I have neighborhoods that have all of those within striking distance of my house.

While I don't think I'll see anyone in the colander and banana hammock outfit here in Kentucky, I'm guessing that bands of these kinds of people will roam the wasteland that once was the Bluegrass:

  • Shocked Atheists, Muslims, and New Age hippies - These will be the most surprised of us all.
  • Disappointed Born Again Christians - Apparently God doesn't grade on a curve, and somehow, these guys didn't make the cut.  They are going to be pissed after spending a lifetime getting ready for the big game and then having to sit it out.  These people may be the ones I have to watch the most.  They're going to either do a 180 and become evil incarnate or they're going to try to buy their way into heaven with my soul.  I'm not sure which one is worse.
  • Self sufficient rednecks - These will quickly become my best friends.  They didn't make the cut to go straight to heaven, but they were raised right by church ladies and will be trying to get picked up in the second round.  Plus, they know where the best places to hunt, fish, and make whiskey are.
  • PGA people, golfers, and other morons - They were getting Valhalla ready for a tournament next weekend, and now all of the help has disappeared, either to heaven or to go looting.  They'll be looking for a valet, a caddy, and a groundskeeper, and will be petulant that the beer is a bit tepid.
  • Kentucky and Louisville fans - These two groups will roam the countryside in a running battle over the wearing of the blue and red.  If you thought the Crips and Bloods were bad, have the best people in our society disappear, leave the liquor stores unguarded, and take away all of the societal restraints that keep these two from tearing into each other.
As for me, I'll be at home cleaning the guns, raising the kids, and sharpening a homemade war axe for Ragnarok.  Now that the Christian God has blown the starting whistle, it's time to get back to basics. If it's the end of the world, I'm going down like a Viking, and I'll show those ball-chasers down the road what Valhalla really means.

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