Washington D.C. - (DBI) President Obama called an emergency joint session of Congress today to report on something he had found in the White House that will have shocking ramifications for the United States.
"Last night, as I was preparing for bed, I found this in the sock drawer of the extra dresser in the Lincoln Bedroom.", said the President as he waved around a sheet of yellowed paper.
"It's an old document that lists out how our government is supposed to work, and if you can believe it, lists out several things that our government is prohibited from doing, like establishing a religion or forcing someone to testify against himself. Most worrisome, it limits how much we can push the American people to do in their private lives, including not doing anything about that worrisome American habit of wanting to own and carry around guns."
Analysis of pictures taken at the event indicate that the President had found an old copy of the United States Constitution, a mostly forgotten document written during the early years of the nation. While some people in the United States hold to it as a 'founding' document for the United States, the majority of people who matter in the country, mostly found on either coast, had forgotten about its existence.
"What fools we've been!" opined Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, flanked by Minority Leader McConnell and Speaker of the House John Boehner, "This actually says that if something isn't given to the federal government as a power, then it can't do that! How are we supposed to continue paying people to not work and interfere with people doing things that we don't like like making money and deciding about their health care and what they do with their own reproductive organs?"
After a quick bi-partisan conference where the document was read aloud to congressional leadership, many members of congress took the rostrum to express shock at the document's contents.
"Really? We have the power to declare war, and the President isn't supposed to do anything like that without getting our OK? But what about all of those if-we-don't-do-something-we'll-lose-the-interest-of-the-masses wars we've been launching?" said Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of California.
Congressional leadership immediately began drafting legislation to scale the federal government back to its level of involvement in the country as it stood sometime in 1903, the last time anyone remembered that document being brought out when leaders where trying to decide the direction of the country.
Governors across the country received telephone calls from Mr. Obama, explaining the document and how it meant that the states would be given a lot more responsibility for themselves, but also that they would not have Washington pushing them in one direction or another anymore. The governors of Texas, Arizona, and Montana are all reported to have shrugged and gotten on with business, while those of Massachusetts, California, New York, and Illinois are under suicide watch at this time.
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