News Roundup

• From the "Classy" Department - A Secret Service agent in the middle of the kerfluffle over the use of prostitutes by members of the President's security detail reportedly 'checked out' Sarah Palin while protecting her.   He has posted about giving Mrs. Palin the once-over during the 2008 presidential campaign.  Now, I'm a heterosexual male, so I can sympathize with him for taking in an eyeful of a mature, attractive woman, even if he did it on the job.  But you don't go up on Facebook and brag about it.  Apparently discretion isn't taught at the Secret Service.  
• From the "Dumbass" Department - A teacher in Virginia is in hot water after lining up his class and then firing blanks at them.  Someone needs to take Mr. Braincramp out and teach him that a gun is a tool for protection, not something to punish students or get their attention.  For those of you who say "It was just blanks!", I have four words for you:  Brandon Lee and Jon-Erik Hexum.  Gun owners will not be judged on the merits of those who are responsible and safe, we will be judged on the merits of our dumbasses.
• From the "What's in a Name?" Department - The state of Alabama has denied access to its alcohol markets to a brand of beer called "Dirty Bastard".  The justification for the denial was the use of the term "Bastard" on the label, which has been known to cause the heads of six year olds to explode and make little old ladies spontaneously burst into flames.  I suggest that the company that makes the beer rebrand it for Alabama with a title of "Narrow-minded Fascist" and see how that flies.
• From the "Coffee Buzz" Department - Starbucks has responded to consumer outcry over the use of a red dye made from beetles and will be re-formulating its pink drinks and food this summer.  The original complaint was that the products would violate the vegan lifestyle, but it quickly spread because someone started yelling "Soylent Pink is bugs!" on Twitter or something.  I don't have a problem with the use of insects.  It's just protein.  Someday I'll tell y'all how one of the best meals I ever had was based mainly on boiled ants, prickly pear, and Arby's sauce.  I'm still waiting to hear back from Starbucks on my suggestion to sweeten their coffee drinks with the tears of free-range hippies.
• From the "Mare Nostrum" Department - The Coast Guard has reported that it has sunk its 30th drug smuggling sub.  This particular submersible was scuttled by its crew off the coast of Honduras.  For the moment, let's drop the debate about the novelty of using submarines to smuggle drugs and the whole war on drugs.  My question:  When did the Coast Guard get authorization to operate what pretty much amount to combat interdiction patrols off the coast of another sovereign country that is located a couple thousand miles away from our most southern coast?  I know, better on the beaches of Honduras than on the beaches of Texas, but at some point I have to ask why we're enforcing our drug laws so far from home.  And what happens when the drug runners start buying cheap torpedoes for the Uboats?