An Open Letter to Kentucky People

Dear Kentucky People,

Let's all take a deep breath here.  In..... and out.  Feel better? Repeat that if you want to.

OK, now that we've all stopped hyperventilating, let's get some perspective here.

It's January, and it's going to snow today.  Qel Surpris!  We're going to get a not insignificant amount, but it's not the end of the world.  No-one is going to drown in the white horror, and glaciers are not pushing their way through Indiana on their way to hit the Ohio River.  If we all keep our heads and look out for those of us who are less fortunate, no-one is going to die.

Here are a couple of tips:

• Slow the hell down.  Yes, you've got four wheel drive, but that means precisely diddly over squat on snow and ice.  
• Drive courteously.  Yes, I see the big number 8 decal on your back window.  I know that you fantasize about being a NASCAR driver when you grow up. Today is not that day.  Quit tailgating the school bus, cutting off the little old ladies, and driving up the median/shoulder when traffic slows down.
• Dress properly.  Yes, you're smoking hot in those low-rise jeans and crop top. You have great abs and men have a hard time not looking down your shirt.  But it's not August.  Put on a couple more layers.  You can still look good in boots, jeans, and a sweater.  Trust me.  I lusted after many young ladies in the winter when I lived in North Dakota.
• Learn how to shovel some darn snow.  Yes, you bought that Acme brand Ultra Snow and Ice Destroyer.  That crackling sound you hear when that stuff gets wet is your $15,000 aggregate driveway dissolving.   Also, that stuff probably melts the ice and snow great when it's 29 degrees out, but won't stop the resulting water from re-freezing when it dips down to 15 degrees at night.  Good luck driving down that hockey rink.  Get yourself a $20 grain shovel and a broom, scrape the snow off your porch, driveway, and sidewalk, then use the broom to brush off what's left.  You may have to do this a couple of times, but you need the exercise.  If you've got a kid living with you that's old enough to push a lawn mower, they can push snow too.  Builds character.  And for heaven's sake, unless we get 3 to 6 feet of snow instead of the 3 to 6 inches we're projected to get, you do not need the Binford 4000 Fuel Injected V8 snow blower. 
• Check on your neighbors, both old and young.  Times are tough.  People are turning down their thermostats in an effort to save a few dollars.  Sometimes they go too far.  Walk over to the homes near you and see how folks are doing. If it seems chilly in their home, ask them over for dinner or a cup of coffee.  The warm up will do them good and you probably need the company.
• Either send that teenager over to shovel some snow for the older neighbors or do it yourself.  They lived through the hard times of the Depression, World War II, Woodstock, and the Carter administration.  They deserve better than to die of a heart attack clearing off their driveway.
• And finally, for the weather and news people on the TV and radio, please stop scaring the hell out of the Kentucky people.  I know, good news or non-dire predictions don't grab eyeballs and ratings, but you're freaking out the herd.  Kroger was Lord of the Flies last night.  Schools are being closed because of a couple of inches of snow.  Stop sensationalizing normal winter weather.  What you people hype as "The Great Blizzard of 1994" is what we called Wednesday back home.  Get some perspective.

Now, if we all stop, think, and act rationally for the next day or so, this is going to be fun.  Please don't make it worse than it needs to be.