Saturday, October 29, 2011

Rules for Dating Girlie Bear

OK, I know it's a worn out meme, and others have done it before and probably better than I can. But Girlie Bear has another dance at school Monday night, and I'm almost certain there will be boys there.  So I thought I'd codify the rules for being my daughter's date so that there can be no confusion:

  1. My name is Sir or Mr. Bear.  You will not call me by my first name, my last name without the Mr., or any other way of addressing me.  I'm also not a pronoun.  You may, on occasion, when speaking to my daughter, use the term "your father" to reference me.
  2. Age rule:  One year older than Girlie Bear, one year younger than Girlie Bear.  If you're too young, I'll call your mother.  If you're too old, I'll call your father.  If you're way too old, I'll call the police to come pick your carcass up off the lawn.
  3. My daughter should come home with the same number of tears in her eyes as when she left.  If she ever comes home with a deficit in the amount of eye-water or a gain in the number of bruises, they won't ever be able to find your body.
  4. She may seem like a nice, quiet, thoughtful girl, and she is.  But she comes from a long, proud line of people with big tempers who fight dirty.  I've taught her to punch, kick, bite, scratch, knife, and shoot.  Piss her off at your own risk.
  5. I have veto power on who Girlie Bear goes out with, when she goes, where she goes, and the planned activities. There is no appeal, because there is no higher authority.
  6. If I smell alcohol on either of you at any time, game over.  Same goes for weed or cigarettes. 
  7. Arguing or fighting with me about anything will gain you nothing but a jaw wired shut and your next few meals fed to you through a straw.  I may be old, slow, and fat, but I bet I can take more of a beating than you can, and I know how long it takes to heal.  I will bet money you don't.
  8. I set a curfew for a reason.  I will be waiting when she gets home.
  9. I know that all teenagers lie on occasion, and I have spent years trying to learn how to tell if someone is lying to me.  So if I suspect that Girlie Bear is lying to me about you, you're gone.  If she tells me one thing, and you deny it, I'll know you're lying because your lips are moving.
  10. I have an evolutionary investment in Girlie Bear, in that I want her to survive to proper reproductive age in order to pass on my genes.  I have no such investment in you, and I see no reason to be rational about anything having to do with you.  Never forget that.



19 comments:

Borepatch said...

This is filled with Win, to overflowing.

Ruth said...

I like

I was an odd child. In Jr High a guy kept asking me out that I didn't want to have anything to do with, so I finally informed my mother that I wasn't allowed to date till I was 16, and then informed the guy in question that my parents had made that a rule. He finally took no for an answer and left me alone.

Old NFO said...

Well said, I just told em I had a shotgun an NO problem using it... :-)

Anonymous said...

Why act like a cave man? If you have raised your daughter to be an capable young woman you shouldn't need to attempt to instill fear in whomever she chooses to date. I'm always amused by the irony of those who decry domestic violence but are quick to threaten violence upon anybody a family member dates. I won't even start to enumerate my thoughts on harm reduction, I suspect it would be lost on you.

Suz said...

Ummm, Anonymous? Cavemen survived to become modern civilization because they were willing to harm anyone who threatened their families. Duh.

Gothelittle Rose said...

Anonymous, if there was more violence threatened upon the dates of people's children, there would be less domestic violence in this country.

DaddyBear said...

Actually, my approach incorporates both. I've raised my daughter to be smart, strong, self-reliant, and have good values, high expectations, and a good image of herself. I am pretty confident that she will be able to handle most of the situations that life throws at her. But I also plan on being there to protect her in the event that someone figures out how to harm her or induce her into making bad decisions.

So I'm a bit of the nurturing, teaching father and a bit of the Neanderthal who stomps a mudhole in someone who harms his child.

And this was at least partly tongue in cheek, but maybe my humor isn't for everyone.

Lawyer said...

This is awesome! Came here by way of Captain Tightpants. This is getting linked on my blog!

Anonymous said...

ALL Fathers who are worth their salt, love and cherish their children. No one can harm my children without retaliation on my part, and if this is made clear up front, it will reduce the chances someone will try to harm my children.
I have 3 girls and the youngest is now 34 but can remember when I had the same list. Some humor, but the underlying truth is a little fear hurt no one.
Paul in Texas

DaddyBear said...

Thanks Lawyer!

Auntie J said...

I came here via Lawyer (thanks, man), and I have to say, I love this.

So does my husband.

We have three girls--ages six and almost 5 (twins)--and Hubby's a youth pastor. We know what's coming.

I think I'll save this and frame it for future use.

Judy Jackson said...

Auntie J -- frame it and hang it by the front door.

North said...

How did I miss this? Classic!

1st anon. Mr. Bear has raised his daughter to be an capable young woman. No threats are needed for her.

However: Mr. Bear has not raised the young suitor. There is no knowing how he has been raised. If he was raised well, the threat is only a reminder. If he was not raised well, heading the threats my be the only wisdom he can muster.

= = =

Bear: I might modify one rule with: If you would like to appeal to a higher power, without hesitation I will send you to God.

North said...

I have a boy. He will receive these instructions from my end. If he dates a girl with a DaddyBear with these rules, I strongly support the rules.

If he makes a girl cry, I make him cry.

So far, so good. He has learned to be a gentleman.

Lee said...

Daddy Bear, I have 3 daughters, 12, 8 and 5. Please forward the instruction book when you are done with it.

Lance R. Peak said...

I have a similar mindset, but a much simpler set of rules.

I told the last boy my eldest was serious with (over a year) that disagreements happen, and my daughter has to learn to deal with things on her own. If they were to have an argument, break up, or otherwise upset my daughter, life happens.

Then I told him that if he ever "hurts" her, he will not be able to hide and I will find him eventually.

He got the message.

Mad Jack said...

This is a great list, and it reminds me that once, many years ago, I encountered a similar father. I liked him right off, and when he proceeded to give me a lecture about his daughter I listened carefully. Then he told me he had a shotgun.

Well, thinks I, clearly we have something in common.

"What make is it?" I asked innocently.

"What?" He sputtered and rared back, looking at me down his considerable nose.

"What make is yours? I've got an Ithaca pump that I hunt with. I was my fathers. It's light, but it kicks like a mule."

"I've got a Browning."

"A Browning? Those are nice. My neighbor has one. Do you go after pheasant much?"

"Duck, mostly. You hunt?"

"Yes sir, I do. Pheasant, rabbit, squirrel..."

"Whereabouts?"

"Jack! We're going to be late!"

"Well, we generally -"

"Jack!"

"Um, well, I guess we have to go."

"Have a nice time! See you again later."

I don't know what he thought of me. I dated his daughter for a while, then they moved or something.

DaddyBear said...

Jack, a young man who can sit and competently shoot the bull with me about things we have in common might just get invited to join us for dinner and go to the range. Just saying.

rjoiner said...

I dated an older girl way back... He da was very much opposed to that. Mom and daughter apparently won over, as we were allowed to date, but there was always friction. Oddly enough, I was invited to dinner, and after conversing with him for the afternoon, he finally said, "It's not you I have a problem with... Just you and my oldest. Why not ask [his younger daughter] out? She's your age, you two should date."

Come to think of it... I never did have problems with dads. Sir'd them, treated the girls with respect, had them home on time, was responsible... And never, EVER let them know my mother had a mini-van and I knew how to remove the seats... :)

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