News Roundup

• From the "Don't you feel safer?" Department - A young man in California is suing the government. He alleges that he was arrested by the Drug Enforcement Agency, locked in a small cell, and left there with no food or water for several days, and that's not the worst part of the story.  If his assertions are true, I hope heads roll.  But thank goodness the government got such a dangerous person off the streets for a few days.  I mean, he could have gotten high and not bothered anyone that whole time.  Can we find a way to end the War on Adults, please?
• From the "This Will Not End Well" Department - Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky is foregoing the traditional meeting of the national championship Kentucky basketball team with President Obama this year.  He is instead coming to Louisville to attend functions related to the Kentucky Derby.  This may blow up in the good Senator's face.  Lots of people in Kentucky enjoy the Derby, and people in Louisville lose their minds for a few weeks over it.  But basketball is one of the three main religions here in the Bluegrass, and some of the more rabid blue-wearing acolytes might not appreciate Senator McConnell skipping out on the White House event.  I guess he's not up for re-election this fall.
• From the "That's A Relief" Department - Scientists have announced findings that suggest the volcano under Yellowstone Park isn't quite as bad as we have been led to believe.  I welcome this news. It will give me an excuse to get rid of all those ash shovels, fireproof roof blankets, and extra sleds I've been keeping in the basement for use in the event that parts of Wyoming and Idaho start raining down from the sky.  Of course, I'll be keeping the extra-fine breathing masks and goggles, because they make me look oh so sexy.  Hey, I've got to have something to wear when I pick Girlie Bear up from school.
• From the "Playing Through" Department - An older gentleman in Florida has been arrested after crashing his golf cart into the group in front of him on the course and assaulting at least one of them with a club.  His complaint seemed to be that the group was drinking, taking their time playing, and driving their carts in a manner he didn't care for.  My friends who play golf tell me that those activities are called "having fun".  Someone needs to tell this vigilante in the rough that assault isn't exactly the way a gentleman complains, and that there will not be a golf course waiting for him when he gets to the big house.
• From the "BOFH" Department - A boy in Pennsylvania is in trouble after destroying $36,000 worth of Apple laptops by urinating on them.  Obviously, this young man has a future in IT.  I've often used the term "pissing into the cooling fan" to describe what someone has done to their computer.